Managing Overthinking as a Mama

It is half past one, she is finally asleep, and you are lying there running through something that happened three years ago.

Before any of the suggestions, one thing needs settling.

What overthinking is, and what it is not

It is an everyday phrase, not a diagnosis. It describes turning a problem or a worry over and over.

A systematic review of 138 publications across many countries (Kaiser et al., 2015) found "thinking too much" appears in many cultures with different meanings, sometimes describing ordinary strain and sometimes signalling something more serious. Useful for describing how you feel. Not enough to assess yourself with.

What has been studied is the pattern. A review of 30 studies (Trick et al., 2016) found repetitive negative thinking tends to come before symptoms of depression and anxiety, which is why noticing the pattern early is worth something.

If the thoughts are disrupting your sleep, your day or your relationships, that is the point to talk to a professional. Not later, when it has got worse.

Why it peaks now

Your hormones have moved sharply. Oestrogen and progesterone climb through pregnancy and drop steeply after the birth. Both affect the brain chemistry that regulates mood.

Your sleep is in pieces. The brain processes worry during deep sleep. When sleep arrives in two-hour fragments, that processing never finishes, and the same worry comes back the next night.

The responsibility is absolute. She depends on you completely, and your brain has responded by going on alert, scanning for dangers that may not be there. That is not irrationality. It is a system doing its job too well.

There is too much information. Every question has a thousand answers online, half of them contradicting the other half.

Five things that help

Write it down. A journal moves a thought out of the loop and onto paper, where it stops circling.

Use whatever format you will actually use. If paragraphs feel like homework, use bullet points, voice notes, or one line a day. Getting it out of your head is the point; the format is not.

Say it out loud, even alone. Most worries lose some weight when spoken, and you hear how they sound.

Set one goal a day. One. Not a list. On the days the one thing gets done, the day counts, which breaks the sense of being permanently behind.

Talk to someone outside the house. Isolation feeds rumination, and a short conversation does far more than it sounds like it should.

For when it is circling right now

Name it. Say to yourself, "I am worrying about this." That moves it from something happening to you to something you are watching.

5-4-3-2-1. Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. It pulls your attention out of your head and back into the room.

Breathe out longer than you breathe in. In for four, out for six. The long exhale switches on the part of your nervous system that settles the body.

Postpone it. Write it down and promise yourself ten minutes on it at four o'clock. Most of them no longer feel urgent when four o'clock arrives.

Move for five minutes. A walk round the house breaks the loop faster than trying to think your way out of it.

When it is more than overthinking

Speak to a health professional if:

• Low mood or anxiety has lasted more than a fortnight
• You cannot sleep even when you have the chance to
• You have lost interest in things you used to enjoy
• The guilt is constant and overwhelming
• Worry is stopping you doing ordinary things
• You have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

That last one needs help the same day. It is far more common than Mamas are told, and it is treatable.

Postnatal depression and anxiety are conditions, not character failures, and they respond well to treatment. Asking early makes the whole thing shorter.

Looking after you is part of looking after her

Irma Gustiana Andriani, a child and family psychologist, puts it this way: a Mama is the emotional centre of a household, which is exactly why her own mental health has to come first rather than last.

In practice that means sleep where you can get it, help where you can ask for it, and a professional conversation when the pattern has run too long. Elaborate self-care routines are beside the point.